Am I emotionally damaged?

— ALL THE THOUGHTS BELOW OCCURRED WHILE TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 1 AM and 3:30 AM 6/15/2016.

The wife and the kids are out of town with my grandma until Saturday.  Before going to bed, I went into my daughter’s room and shut off her pink starburst light and her original night light.  It was weird to see her room so dark.  I then laid in bed and thought, “this trip is only 4-5 days, what will that be like if I have to travel for work for weeks at a time?”  I realized that yes I would miss them, but with things like FaceTime and Skype it’s not nearly as big of a deal as it would have been 30 years ago.

Was that the end of it? – of course not!

I started then thinking about how sucky it is just not having the wife around.  My wife is truly my best friend.  I share everything with her and it’s nice when I come home just to have her there to chat with even if it’s about stupid things.

Does this make me want to not travel for work – No, I enjoy the idea of getting to travel and I enjoy providing for my family.

I then realized how sucky it would be to be single nowadays.  My thoughts then hopped again to how horrible it would be for those poor souls out there that have lost the family, what it must be like for them to go on completely alone.

Ahhh!  I love and will miss my family when they’re away – was that the end?  NOPE!

Here’s where the self-analysis kicked in

 

Am I emotional with anything – Yes.

Things that will make my sob like a baby or at least pull a tear everytime:

(I’m sobbing right now from reviewing these links)

Things that anger or enrage me:

  • Anytime my children or wife are threatened in anyway
  • People driving horribly (I’ve gotten less angry about this one – woosah)
  • People breaking the rules – all rules should apply the same to everyone

Okay, so clearly I have emotions and some things make me emotional, but why am I not affected by death?

Celebrity Deaths

It seems really odd, but I’m very confused when people freak out about people dying who they don’t even know.  We all saw people go crazy over Prince, Robin Williams, Michael Jackson.  Below I’m detailing the extent of my feelings on these people.

Prince – A person who was talented in his own right, but his persona was like Lady GaGa’s inspiration.  His fame had a lot to do with his mystery and unusual behavior.  Hell, I was a kid at the time and I remember everybody freaking out when he bought his parents a purple house.  Again, his early songs were great, but what was he going to put out that could beat his classics?  He lived more of a life than some of us could dream about.  I’m glad I was able to hear his music, but there’s nothing further lost at this point.

Michael Jackson – Again, his early music and career was great.  Then he became more and more of a freak show as time went on.  Did his music somehow affect most people that heard it in some way? – probably.  However, he died under sad circumstances.  He also lived a  life larger than most, so I’m just happy to have been able to witness his successes.

Robin Williams – This one touched me the most.  Again, I never got ‘upset’, I was just bummed for about 10 minutes that we would no longer get amazing movies like “Awakened” or “The Fisher King”.  We was a great actor or suffered his life with horrible depression.  I’m happy that he’s no longer suffering and glad I’ve been able to see the wide range of films that he’s been a part of.

Children Deaths

You hear about shootings, kidnappings, or other violence online and on the news and people flip out about protecting all children and banning things, making laws, or demanding XYZ to make sure to prevent things like that from happening.  However, I just look at it from the math point of view.  Statistically speaking, the percent of deaths from XYZ is not that bad.  No matter what happens a number of children are going to be killed deliberately or on accident everyday.  As long as that percentage remains low then we’re actually not doing that bad.  I would probably feel different if one of my children were killed, but that hasn’t happened (knock on wood) and I just don’t get upset over children that I don’t know.

Family Deaths

I’ve been to multiple funerals for friends, family friends, and extended family.  Each time, I find myself only upset because my friends and family around me are upset and sobbing.  However, I do not feel any of my own grief for the deaths.  The best example would be when my Pawpee passed away (my mother’s father).

He had originally had a heart attack just before I got married.  My amazing wife suggested we spend our honeymoon in Florida to visit them because she knew how important my Pawpee was to me.  We had a great time the entire visit.  During the visit I had the opportunity to ride along with him while he delivered some food for Meals on Wheels.  During the ride, I took the opportunity to let him know how much he’d influenced my life including how much his encouraging me to learn more about programming and computers had helped me.  I told him that with the scare I wanted him to know exactly how I felt.  After all, I was driving all around DC at the time consulting so I could be the one to pass just as easy as him.  I just wanted to make sure nothing was unsaid between us.  For the most part, I live my life that way.  Does that mean I’ve told everyone in my life exactly how I feel about them?  Not necessarily – I try to do it with everyone, but I make sure to do it with anyone I could possibly feel regret by not saying my piece.

When I got the news my Pawpee had past I cried for a very short time and then I wrote a poem for him and got my feelings out on paper – that was it.  During the funeral I felt NOTHING.  I was a little sad for my grandma and mom who were sobbing, but otherwise I felt nothing for myself.  My sisters said I was grieving in my own way and were concerned I was bottling it up and it would spill over later, but in all honesty, there was no more grieving to do.  I was grateful to have him in my life for the time that I did.  I was thankful for the knowledge that he passed down to me.

I’m very analytical and to me death is just a part of life.  I just accept that people are going to die at some point and there’s nothing I can do about it.  The best thing I can do is surround myself with loved ones and enjoy them while they’re with us.

Do you wonder what the hell is wrong with people when they freak out hearing about deaths that do not directly affect them?

Does anyone else out there feel this way?

 

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